When You Lose Your Friend to Their Relationship...

     Sometimes, we lose our friends. Sometimes we miss them, other times we’re glad they’re gone, but then, there’s that time when your friend loses herself. Case in point: my girlfriend has a boyfriend, and when we talk now, almost every sentence she speaks start with, “We.” Remember when you and your girlfriend would spend a day off together at the mall, a museum with a late lunch afterwards, or even the spa? Remember when you’d hit up happy hour after work or maybe a bar or two on the weekends, have a few drinks and vent about everything? Why does that have to end when one of us gets into a relationship? Where did my friend go...she was an 'I' that became a, 'We'.

     I am all for being in a relationship, I mean who in sam hill tarnation wants to live the rest of their life without being loved romantically? Not this chica. My issue here is that so many of us lose ourselves in our relationships. Take my friend, she spends ALL of her free time with her man. Since they’ve been together we have hung out twice in the past year. Meanwhile, when his friends come into town to visit, she drops everything she is doing to hang out with them. This woman is strong, independent, intelligent and has a great job, but now that she is in this relationship, its like all of that has changed. She cannot do anything for herself anymore, and always needs his help. When we talk she inevitably throws him into every conversation, and everything about her life has stopped being about her, and revolves around him. 


Because He Made A 'Sliding Doors' Reference...

     Have you ever seen the film, 'Sliding Doors', starring Gwyneth Paltrow? Here's a short summary of the plot: The film follows Helen Quilley (Gwyneth Paltrow), a young Englishwoman living in London who has just been fired from her public relations job. The plot splits into two parallel universes, based on the two paths her life could take depending on whether she catches a London Underground train or not. ( The film is amazing and of course so is Gwyneth Paltrow. There are all these little moments in our lives that happen everyday i.e. the street we take when we walk to the store, the daily drive home on the same freeway, choosing to go to Ralph's market instead of Trader Joe's, you get my drift. These are tiny blips on the radar of our lives, but these little decisions, can have huge consequences on our lives. And in the film we see this play out. So, why am I having an existential moment...yet again? Because, last night, at the Lenny Kravitz concert, I had a 'Sliding Doors' moment. Let me break it down real quick...

     My sister and I have been on a summer concert tour of sorts. We've gone to music and food festivals all summer, and last night, we watched the amazingly sexy, and insanely talented Lenny rock out. My sister has never really been into Lenny, but I have since about the age of 13, but she quickly changed her tune when she had the "Lenny" experience last night! When I was purchasing the tickets online, I kept going back on forth on where I wanted us to sit. I changed my mind so many times, kept looking at the seating chart, then finally decided on the seats I eventually bought. We arrived at the greek about fifteen minutes after his opening act began, bought a few drinks, and headed inside. No one was sitting in the two seats next to us, and we were feeling excited and kind of happy that we'd have leg room to move around.


That One-Time A Moment of Loneliness Made Me Irrational..


     Last week, during one of our many text messaging sessions, my ex-boyfriend (not the douchebag that dumped me over text) who I’ve been close friends with since our 2005 break-up, mentioned that he is taking an important test for the next step of his career. This test is pretty important and he has been studying for it for weeks, and with it coming up soon, last week was the final study push. As we kept talking about his goals and what this promotion would mean for his career, and how stressed he was about it, my nurturing side automatically kicked in. This rarely happens, as we all know I have a black heart of stone, but I love my friend/ex-boyfriend, and wanted to do something to help him get a bit of relief from studying. So here’s what I did, why I did it, how it backfired, and the huge lesson it taught me.

     When I am stressed out I do three specific things: 1) Eat Carbs in the form of homemade pizza. 
2) Bake a ridiculous amount of cookies, brownies and/or muffins…sometimes, all three, if I’m being totally honest, which I always am with you guys. 3) Vacuum. Really…I clean like crazy, but there is something about vacuuming that really calms me down. Judge me all you want, but you’ll never come to my place, and not see those vacuum lines in my carpet. Naturally, I thought of making the Fireman some baked goods that he can munch on while studying, and just use as a stress relieving break. Great idea, right?

     I work two jobs: Job number one ends around 3pm, and job number two starts a few hours after that, and ends at about 10pm, so, let’s just say I am super tired by the end of my day. Is this winning me any sympathy points, because it better be. I decided to bake cookies and brownies, but not just one type of cookie, a full on cookie assortment, because why not turn this into a huge task that I would force myself to accomplish in a timely matter, and before the Labor Day weekend? Do you hear the violin strings being played? I do.


Here's Why I don't Want to "Hang Out" with You...


     Remember when you went on dates? No, better yet remember when you would spend an afternoon getting ready for your date that night? Hair done, nails done, new outfit, manicure and pedicure...and wait, sometimes even new shoes too?! What happened to that? Am I just old, or has dating really died? Everyone is just "hanging out" and I'm not hanging out or in with anyone. Everyone is hanging out without me and I'm okay with that. I don't want to hang out with someone, I want to date someone, fall in love, and ride off into the sunset on the magical unicorn I have mentioned once or ten times, on this blog. So, men of the world, please for the love of all things holy, stop asking us to "hang out" with you!

     "Hanging out" is not a first date. Hold on let me address something else as well: Netflix and pizza is not a first date. I will repeat myself: NETFLIX and PIZZA is NOT A FIRST DATE. I've been seeing this ignorant post on Instagram about how Netflix and pizza is not a cheap date because of the following fees: rent, electricity, playstation, etc. And, this stupid post, actually has a plethora of likes and laughing emojis on it. Not to mention it also states that women are bitches and there are many women who have "liked" this post. After I clutched my pearls, and gathered my composure, I considered the sheer idiocy behind this thought. Paying rent for your apartment/home whatever, is your choice, so is the fact that you bought a gaming station, and a monthly subscription to Netflix, which was not purchased with the idea of, "Man, I am going to get laid so hard for this" so can we stop with this dumb ass train of thought?

     Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let me revisit my issue with hanging out as a first date. When you like someone you clearly want to make an effort to spend time with them, and get to know them, right? Doing an activity together like hiking, lunch, biking, wine tasting, dinner, movie in the get my drift, are just a few of the myriad of ways you can get to know someone. I hang out with people I know, like my dad, sister, and my short list of friends. I do not want to hang out with you on our first date...I want to get to know you on a much deeper level.


5 Signs He's Just Stringing You Along...

1. He Only Texts You

     Can I just start this off with a short rant on my love/hate relationship with texting? Yes...great, because, here it goes. I love texting and I friggin' hate it so much. Mostly I hate to for the same reasons why I love it! Argh...I am just a mix of emotions on this topic. Texting is great for those of us who don't want to spend hours on the phone, but here's the thing, I don't want to spend hours on the phone, I want to spend hours interacting with you, face-to-face! Texting is very impersonal and there's this new era of young whipper snappers (i.e. the 25 and under crowd), who are really satisfied with a goodnight or good morning text and feel as though that means he, "really likes me." Ummm...whatever happened to actual voice conversations, and preferably the ones that take place among each others actual company.

     Texting is easy. Texting is non-committal. Texting is the step-sibling to actual time and commitment. I kid you not, I met a guy one year ago, and he has been texting me ever since. We have not seen each other or spoken on the telephone. A year people! I in no way take him seriously, and you shouldn't either. Yes, texting is fun and who doesn't love a great back-and-forth, but actual time spent together is an investment in your foreseeable future. Good morning texts and goodnight ones for that matter, do feel really good, but not when it's never been backed up with anything more than just that. If he is only texting you, then he has absolutely no intentions of investing actual time in you. Let it go.

2. He Never Gives You Details About His Life

     Let's re-visit one of my examples from number one, and refer back to the guy who has been texting me for over one year now. I once asked him what he did for a living and his verbatim response was, "Live life!" as though he was utterly offended that I would have the audacity to ask him a question about himself. That...that right there is what I'm talking about. If you don't know small or large details about his life, it's because he doesn't need you to know. Why would he not need you to know? Because you don't matter enough to share his life. You are not part of his future plans, so why would he take the time to let you really get to know him better?

     Where does he live, are his parents still together, what are his plans for the next five years of his life, can you name his friends and have you spent time with them? I mean really, if he won't answer even basic questions, or better yet freely tell you about himself, it's because he has no plans of making you a permanent fixture in his life. Let it go.


6 Nights of Bedroom Fun to Try Immediately...

1) Sensual Dancing:

      I know what you're thinking...'Jonesie, I am not messing up my genuine hardwood floors by splashing water on myself while hanging onto a chair!' Alright, I totally get that but listen I am not telling you that you have to re-enact this particular scene from one of my fave all time dance flicks ever 'Flashdance', but would your man really be mad if you did? When you throw on something sexy (or be a total sex goddess-vixen and go nude) and start dancing like you own the place-which you probably do, or maybe you rent like me, either way, you're a goddess-he will be left speechless. 

     Well, let's talk strategy then shall we. To put yourself in the right frame of mind I suggest practicing alone or take it up a notch and attend a dance class which can also be fun! Grab a girlfriend or go it alone and let your inner sex goddess come through...I know she is in there. Put on that dress that makes you feel insanely sexy, or panty set that you payed way to much for, grab your man/woman by the hand, sit them down and give 'em a show. Why not? Don't worry about looking perfect, because you are gorgeous and honestly honey, you being "on beat" is not the point of this exercise. It's not about sliding up and down a pole and spinning on your head-although if you can do that, I for one would like to take lessons from your limber ass-it's about exuding your sensuality in a fun and new way. 

2) Blindfolds

     Having five senses is pretty awesome. I mean we touch, feel, hear, taste and see everything, which is fabulous when it comes to sex, right? Well, when you take one of those senses away, every other sense is heightened. Blindfolding your partner is a crazy sexy...ummm...hello see the above pic of JLo, her abs and that blindfold! Now, do we all have JLo abs and a young tender to put a blindfold on us? No. And guess what...we don't need six-pack abs, and a young tenderloin to experience this heightened state of awareness. All you need is a tie, scarf, or blindfold purchased from a store. Trust me when I say your partner will not object to this all.

     Just incase there is any apprehension, then you should talk about why they're such a damn square and maybe you need to dump them. Alright, that was harsh. They're not squares and you shouldn't leave them. Just talk about any misgivings your partner may have. Another way of easing any fear they may have is by talking them through everything you are doing while you're doing it. Also, grab their hands and let them feel their way about you. Again, their four other senses are super sensitive right now and the sound of your voice, and being able to touch you without seeing you will literally drive them crazy.


5 Ways to Ease First-Date Stress...


     First Dates can be extremely nerve-racking and awkward, or is that just me? Finding someone interesting enough to have a first date with can be an obstacle in itself. You find someone you like, text or in very rare cases, actually speak to them on the phone, then you get asked out…yes!!! Now you have to figure out what to wear and this can be really difficult because unfortunately people judge each other first, based on appearances. So, do you wear a dress, a shirt, jeans, a suit and tie? Where are you going to go on your date? Dinner, a movie, museum, or coffee? Should he/she pick you up or should you meet them there? Should you flat-iron your hair or leave it curly? Get a haircut and a shave or wear your beard? Ack…this is too much! Here are 5 things you can do to ease the stress of a first date:

1) Talk to Your Date Prior to Meeting Up: Talking seems to be a lost art form that our parents once did after school, while listening to records on the jukebox and drinking milkshakes at the local burger joint. What happened to talking? Where the hell did it go, and can we bring it back? I vote yes. Talk to your date before you actually go on your date. Don’t text plan the entire thing. I am not suggesting you have a three hour phone conversation about what type of cheeses you like, or your favorite wine, but connecting verbally gives you a sense of direction when it comes to how you feel about someone. Call them and discuss, what you both like to do for entertainment, or what you are interested in so that you can both enjoy yourselves on your date. How many times have you showed up to a restaurant that literally has nothing on the menu you want to eat, or suffered through a film or game you have no interest in for the sake of the date? Talk first, gauge your interests, and plan accordingly.

2) Let Your Guard Down Just A Bit: This is a biggie for pretty much all of us. We are a generation of people who constantly Tweet or Instagram how quickly we cut people off, don’t trust others, or are giving up on love. What the hell happened to us? Why are we so cynical and jaded? I think I am having an existential moment right now, but I digress. Letting your guard down-especially for me-is terrifying. Opening yourself up to rejection, heartache, pain and all of the other descriptive ways in which you can be hurt, is scary and can make you really nervous, especially on date one when you are already in a bit of a frenzied state. If you don’t open yourself up to all of the possibilities of love whether they be negative, or positive, then love will never find you. Let your guard down and allow them to really get to know the real you, which leads me to tip number three.

Birthday's Supposed to Happen, Right?

     The title is pretty cool right? Draws you in and you’re thinking, “What the hell is she going to write about? Sex…on her birthday?” well, not really. Maybe. Sorta, kinda. Excuse the grammatical errors but you know what I mean. With my birthday just days away, I got to thinking. When you are in a relationship there are milestones that you celebrate with your partner: Anniversaries, Holidays and Birthdays. Especially in those early months of dating where everything is fantastic and new. The stars are brighter, the sun is shinier and there is absolutely no wrong that your partner can do. Well this post is not about the shiny and brand new, but the old and tarnished. 

     Birthdays are pretty dope right? I mean come on, we are celebrating the day we were birthed by our mothers. Sidenote: why don’t we celebrate our mom’s on this day? I mean shouldn’t she be the one to get the party, but I digress. When in a relationship, one of the many exciting experiences you have to look forward to, is sharing this day with someone. The wonderment of what they are going to do, or how you will celebrate is always fun. What if, though, you are dating/in a relationship with someone and your birthday turns out to be a huge bust? In my case, there was no Jake Ryan saves the day with a birthday cake, as we sit atop a table while I wear a pink bridesmaid dress a'la '16 Candles'. There was...this...


He Cheated, Now What: Does the "Cheaters Gene" Really Exist?

     Cheating is super fun for some people. Like, “Thrill Seekers” who are literally turned on not so much by the act of cheating, but by the possibility of being caught while doing so. Cheating has gone on since the beginning of time whether it be on a test (which we all did in high school…damn algebra), or on our partners. Why do we cheat? Is there a true genetic predisposition to be a “cheater” or have we all just lost our sense of impulse control? 

 First, we have to look at why constitutes cheating on your partner. Here is where things can get tricky because we all have our own interpretations of what cheating actually is. For some its dancing with someone that is not their partner at a club, or watching porn. Other people feel texting someone that is not their partner is cheating. Those acts are not even physical, but can be considered cheating. Then, there are the physical acts of kissing, touching or having sex with someone who is not your partner. 
   Emotional cheating is perpetuated by women more than men. Why? That’s an easy answer…we are emotional. I don’t mean burn your clothes, set your house on fire, key your car emotional (those are extreme cases that have happened, and can we ever forget Angela Bassett’s character setting her cheating husbands clothes on fire in Waiting to Exhale? Nope). Women are hardwired to express their emotions freely and are nurturers by nature, so we need a partner who is there for us both physically and emotionally.

Single During the Holidays? Here's Why You Shouldn't Care...


     Why is there so much pressure to be in a relationship during the holidays? Around the holidays you will almost always receive the, "When are you going to settle down?" and "When are you going to have a baby?" questions. I blame the weather. I blame the media. I blame Christmas. I blame New Year's Eve, and I blame my uterus. Yes...I said my uterus. In L.A. we have no snow and it barely rains but as soon as those temperatures drop just a wee bit, then all of the thirstiness of being alone surfaces in everyone. All of a sudden, everyone on my Twitter, Facebook and Instagram feeds are posting about finding love and cuddle weather. During the summer it was all, "shots, shots, shots!", dancing and partying and clubbing, but as soon as the weather changed, so did everyone's outlook on love.

     It has been scientifically proven that the weather does affect our moods and there is an actual disorder associated with the seasons; SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) a depressive disorder in which a persons depressive state is connected to specific seasons. Also the "Winter blues" can make us feel sad, needy, lonely or make you feel as though you need someone to fill the emptiness you are experiencing. Cold weather makes us want to snuggle, I get it, but there is a huge difference between being lonely and spending time alone. Instead of focusing on not having someone to cuddle with during the cold, use this time to focus on your needs or the needs of those around you. Pick up extra work hours and make that money to pay off a bill. Donate time to charity, create a vision board, learn how to cook, or hell, fly your sad ass to Jamaica and find some happiness. Whatever you choose just know that he/she will come along when YOU are fulfilled within yourself, then the universe will casually bring you your cuddle buddy.